FUNDAMENTALIST THINKING IN CHURCHES

In my last blog I mentioned that I emailed a church.  I'm not really sure if I actually expected a reply or not, still I was surprised when I did get a reply.

Here is how the email conversations went, the only edits in the messages is taking out the Church and the church elder's names, just for the churches privacy I will call the person who replied John, and the church will be referred to only as The Church

Good Day
I drive past posters of your church everyday. I would like to attend a service.
I am a lesbian and in a committed relationship with my partner. We both love God, but don't always feel welcome in church because of our sexual orientation. I used to go to a church in "a neighboring town" where all sexuality's were welcomed, but church times don't fit in with my partners working schedule so we are unable to attend.
Are you accepting of gays in your church? Will we be able to attend without prejudice?
Regards

The Reply:
Thank you so much for your email... 

We hold the conviction that Everyone is Welcome to attend our Celebrations. We believe that God placed "The Church" in "this Town" so that people can see & experience Jesus. 

We have a few people attending our Sunday Celebrations that practice homosexuality. We treat everyone the same. Even though we believe that Homosexuality is not God's will, we still see it as a privilege to host people and share the Gospel of Jesus with them... In the same way, people attend our Celebrations who have problems with addictions like alcohol, pornography or greed. We accept everyone into our Celebrations, but ask people to respect our family by not engaging in these activities in our building.
When it comes to formal partnership with people and them being prayed into partnership of "The Church" - We lovingly encourage everyone to turn their backs on their sin and focus on becoming like Christ. 

If you want to know more:
Go to our website and listen to a teaching I did on "God's Heart for Sexuality".

Thanks again
"John"
Lead Elder
"The Church" 

My Reply
Hi "John"

Thank you very much for the reply. 

I sincerely appreciate the fact that you host "practicing homosexuals". I believe that many gay people are in need of acceptance from churches. Many gay people are scared away from God and discard God because of prejudice that they have faced at churches, so it truly makes me happy to know that you have gays in your church and that they are welcome. 

What saddens me though is the fact that you draw a parallel between being gay and having an addiction. Being gay can't be compared to someone who is for instance addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc. It shows to me the typical fundamentalist thinking in a modern society. 

I believe being gay is written into our DNA it's who we are it is definitely not a lifestyle choice. If it were I would certainly have chosen the opposite, it would have spared me allot of therapy sessions and 1-000-000's of tears.

I haven't had a chance to listen to your mentioned teaching yet but as soon as I have a chance I will.

Feel free to also read my blog, the posts entitled "My Roman Battle" and the follow up "Conquering Romans", might just enlighten you.


http://pikkie89.blogspot.com/


Have a great day and lovely weekend.

We might see each other soon.

The reason I put the words "practicing homosexuals" in quotation marks is because I don't really understand exactly what is meant by it. If there is a thing like a practicing homosexual, then surely there must be something like a practicing heterosexuals as well?  In my mind the only logical explanation is something like this:

My mom is totally straight - NO doubt about the fact that she LOVES men.  Yet she has been single for a very long time.  Apart from the fact that she is full of crap when it comes to men, I think she's just used to being totally independent.   

My dad on the other hand, has been married to my stepmother for almost the same amount of time as my mom has been single.

Now I think we have established that both my parents are heterosexual... but does this mean that my mom isn't a practicing heterosexual? and if she isn't a practicing heterosexual what exactly is she then? Or does it just mean that my dad is more of a heterosexual than my mom, and does the fact that he has been married to a woman for all these years make him a practicing heterosexual?

......GEEEEEZ this is confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It feels difficult to even type the words "practicing homosexual" because in my opinion it is ridiculous Your either Gay or Straight...

My first thought when I read John's reply was that I was truly happy that they accept gays in their church, as I read on there was the part about "not engaging in these activities in our building",   The first thing that crossed my mind was; If we decide to go to a Sunday service at this Church, how exactly will I be "not gay" for an hour or two?  I'ts easy to ask a drug addict not to take drugs in their building,   But being gay is who I am, its in my DNA - how can I be "not gay" in their building?  It's the same as asking me not to be white in their building.  And then I wondered how the other "practicing homosexuals" in their church did it?  And the following thought crossed my mind "how can these "practicing homosexuals" feel welcome in a place where they aren't allowed to be themselves? "

I tried to be as objective as I possibly could and later that evening I played the sermon "John" was talking about.  As it went on I could feel the tension building up from my partners side.  She didn't say anything but I knew she wished I would just shut it off because it came from a huge fundamentalist point of view.

The sermon started with "John" explaining that the sermon isn't about homosexuality but rather about Gods heart for sexuality.  In my mind a tactic not to scare of those "practicing homosexuals" straight away.  He went on to say that sex is designed to show intimacy to bind two people to become one and that sex is to glorify God.  He went on to talk about all kinds of sexual immoralities, bestiality, fornication, adultery and of-course homosexuality.  He also said that there is no difference between someone engaging in homosexuality and someone engaging in bestiality or adultery etc.  Now I seriously just need to say this - My girlfriend and I making love is not in any way the same as some guy putting is "thing" into an animal, nor is it the same as someone fooling around with a prostitute behind their partners back.  

When we make love we do become one, we share such a deep intimacy that it can't be explained.  It is such a beautiful moment and experience - I can not let it be made into something ugly by allowing it to be compared to bestiality, fornication, adultery or any of the other sexually immorality, because when a gay couple are truly committed to one another and they make love, there is nothing sexually immoral about it.

When he spoke about homosexuality he read the very same passage that I once used to condemn myself.  I honestly got a little smile on my face, because the verse he used to show that homosexuality is wrong, was also the first part of my homosexual salvation message that God revealed to me.  There was one problem though, he only read Romans 1:26-27 a very small part of a big passage, the same mistake I had made with the same passage.

And then he played a testimony of a guy who was under the impression that he was gay, but later realized that the only reason he thought he was gay was because of everything that happened in his childhood and with God's help he turned straight.  Now why would John choose to share this testimony with the congregation when the sermon wasn't about homosexuality?

If the guy who gave the testimony truly believes that he wasn't really gay to start with even though he lived a gay lifestyle, then I believe him and I am happy that God helped him find his way to be straight now.  But unfortunately that is not the case for me and millions of other gays out there.  Churches hear these kinds of testimonies and figure that all gays are the same, all gays can be fit into that box.  By using the same methods they do to get an addict to be sober, they try to push gays into a direction that would ultimately just make them unhappy and have them lying to themselves and to God about who they really are.  And I know these churches mean well by subtly trying to convert gays and praying away the gay, but they do it because they don't understand a gay persons mind and feelings, they don't understand that this is who we were born to be, God made us this way and God never makes mistakes.

By trying to do good these types of churches could do more harm than any good.  If I were still an uncertain gay teen trying to figure out how my sexuality and Christianity fit together, and I had heard that sermon and testimony, my whole world would have came tumbling down.  All of the questions would have arised again and I would have blamed God for helping the guy in the testimony be straight but leaving me to be gay - Which could have ultimately caused me to drift away from God and straight into the enemy's arms.  

So now I know that the "practicing homosexuals" attending this church, can't feel completely welcome and at ease, and even though John does not admit it, they are one of those typical fundamentalist-pray-away-the-gay-churches.  Except for openly gay churches, I'm starting to wonder if you get any other kind of church than the typical fundamentalist-pray-away-the-gay-churches.

My mom is a huge inspiration to me, we can talk for hours about life and and everything in it.  A while ago when my mom was visiting us we were up after midnight, being all philosophical, talking about God and life, and out of this conversation my mom said something interesting, she said that she believes that because God knows each one of us as an individual, he will judge us in that manner.  And that kind of got stuck in my mind, for a few days afterwards I found myself pondering over this Idea, because it just made so much sense.  And then one night I opened my bible at a random place and started reading, I was shocked!  I couldn't believe it, it was like God was confirming what my mom and I had talked about:

 ROMANS 9

14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not!15 For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.”[f] 16 So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.”[g] 18 Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.

Once again Romans.  I Love Romans.  Out of all the bible books it's like God chose Romans to speak to me specifically.  God has answered me in many ways but it seems like when He chooses to speak to me through the Bible, He always uses Romans.  - God will have mercy on whomever he chooses, even if someone fails to meet the requirements of a "typical good Christian" in mans judgement, God has the last say.  So I think for my own sanity (and my girlfriend's for that matter) I will rather skip going to this Church, keep praying at home and singing along to the praise and worship music in my car.  I will keep living my life as I am loving God and believing that he accepts me, His lesbian child.  I do not need acceptance from a church who will clearly disprove of my lifestyle and the way I choose to serve God.

In the end all that matters is God and what He thinks of me and my lifestyle, because only His love and mercy can set me free.

Childhood Memories

The other day I tried to find my childhood house on Google maps.  I got very sad when I couldn't find it, I found my aunt's old house which was just a few blocks away from ours, but our house wasn't where I thought It used to be.  It felt so long ago, I started to ask myself, had I just made it all up? Did I make up the house and the maid who was my family, did I make up the fact that my family was happy once? Did I make up the fact that I was a happy child for a few short years? Did I make up the pets that I had while living in that house, did I make up the fact that my parents seemed to love each other once upon a time.  I felt hurt that this house seemed to be gone, the house with the big bush with purple flowers in the front yard.  The house where a happy family once lived has now just disappeared.  According to Google maps the street where our house used to be wasn't even in that specific town, how could that be? I followed the road, but even by doing that I couldn't seem to locate my childhood home.  After scrambling my brain for about twenty minutes I realized that I kept going in the wrong direction, now everybody who knows me would tell you that directions has never been one of my strong points.  Eventually I found my childhood home, but it had changed so much that I didn't even recognize it.  It used to be so big, but suddenly it was small, the lawn needed serious mowing and the big bush with the purple flowers was gone, I suddenly felt sorry for the little birds who used to built there nest by our front door, I wondered if the person who took out the bush also destroys the little birds nest every summer, my mother used to take such good care to make sure the nest was protected.Looking at the picture in front of me I took a walk down memory lane, I saw my dad working on his old yellow golf, my mom bringing him something to drink, I saw a happy little girl helping her daddy fix the car, the dad made the little girl think that she was a big help and that he couldn't do it without her, even though she was more in the way than any help. I walked through the house and found the little girls mommy busy sewing in a bright room with a lot of sun shining in through the curtains, while a little green budgie in a cage was singing a happy song.  I walked into another room, there was a double bed in the middle of the room a huge white teddy bear was sitting in one corner looking straight at me, almost everything in the room was pink.I went out the back door and saw a huge back yard, there was a big jumping castle and lots of kids sitting on the grass in front of the birthday girl who had a paper crown on her head while she was opening her birthday presents.  Suddenly a clown appeared out of no where making handstands and doing cartwheels and all sorts of other very impressive gymnastics tricks.  The little girl immediately knew that this was no ordinary clown.  She recognised his shoes, it could be no coincidence that the clown had the same shoes as her daddy.  Her mommy tried to convince her otherwise, but the little girl knew what she knew and she wasn't going to be convinced, after all she knew her daddy was superman, she knew that he could do all the tricks the clown just did and so much more, she knew he was saving his best gymnastics tricks to show her when all the kids went home.I looked up at the areal on the roof and remembered when I "helped" my dad fix it:  I saw the little girl nagging her daddy to let her climb on the roof with him, eventually he gave in and helped her onto his back, he climbed up the ladder with his little girl on his back, when he got to the top of the ladder he told her to climb over his head onto the roof.  She did as her daddy had instructed soon after her daddy was also on the roof,  he helped her up to the very top point of the roof, she sat watching as he fixed the areal.  The little girls mommy came running outside in a panic calling the little girls name, the mommy got very scared when she couldn't find the little girl anywhere, the daddy and the little girl started giggling at the mommy's hysteria, the daddy called the mommy and told her that he had found their little girl, when the mommy saw her little girl on top of the roof, she went into an even bigger hysteria, the daddy and the little girl still amused by the mommy's hysteria, started giggling again, like two naughty children.With tears in my eyes I entered the house again and walked into the kitchen, I saw the little girl sitting on the kitchen chair while her mommy was cooking, the sound of Barbara Ray's country voice coming out of the black radio on the kitchen table.  The mommy and her daughter were both laughing and joking. " I don't want to play house" started playing and both of them sang along, the little girl got most of the words to the song wrong, but she loved the song and wouldn't let that stop her from trying to sing louder than her mommy.  I thought to myself, If only the little girl knew that this song would become her reality not to far into the future.I decided to take one last walk through the house before I returned to reality.  I walked to the opposite side of the house and went into the little girls parents bedroom, I saw the mommy brushing the little girls hair into all kinds of styles, and putting make up on the little girls face, I saw them laughing and playing they both looked so happy, it didn't seem like anything could ever make them unhappy.My eyes filled with tears and I realized that this wasn't the rite place or time for me to open the tear taps, after all I was at work and what if my dad walked into my office, how on earth would I explain these tears to him.  So I walked out the front door of my childhood home, quietly I shut the door behind me, as I said good bye, vowing never to go back because even the good memories are to painful to relive. I returned to reality and went back to work, trying to forget the few childhood memories I could still remember.------------My parents never drank, they never swore, they were kind of perfect, obviously to perfect no one could seriously be that perfect, but they were.  I think that's why things didn't work out between them, when my dad got a chance to loosen up he grabbed it with both hands.  After he left my mom got a chance to unwind and find herself.  I didn't understand it at that time, I was obviously to small.I couldn't understand how my superman could just walk away.  I couldn't understand how my superman could hurt my mom and I so much.  How could he just leave me?  How could he just turn his back on me and go on with his life?  And my mom, how could she leave me alone at home at night while she went out clubbing?  They used to protect me, now they were the once I needed protection from!  I was all alone in this big world, I wasn't ready!  But I had to grow up so fast because both my parents became children over night.  They both started living again, only without each other and without me.I think both my parents needed to go through that time in their lives to become the people that they are now, my mom has really come a long way, she went back to being a teenager, a very troubled rebellious teenager, but If I have to say so myself, I raised that teenager well, because she turned out ok in the end, I think I realise now for the first time that I'll make it as a mother someday, heck I might even be a good one, I raised my mother, and I doubt that my kids would ever be as troubled and rebellious as she was.I never knew my dad in his second teenage phase.  Until very recently I still tried to fit my dad into his superman box but he didn't fit anymore, he wasn't the person that I remembered, he wasn't my dad anymore.  I was there every step of my moms transitioning so it never felt like I lost her or like she changed a lot.  Whereas with my dad, I knew him as Superman, and when we started to find each other again I realised that he had turned into Lex Luther.  That was extremely hard for me to accept, I had placed him on this golden pedestal for my whole life and now I see that he has more faults than most people.  I appreciate the opportunity to work at my dad's company more than he will ever know.  Not because of the money or perks, but because for the first time since he left, I actually have a relationship with him.  The biggest challenge was taking him down from the pedestal, because now I have a chance to get to know my dad (post second teen years).  I'm getting to know the real him now, I have a chance to actually built a relationship with the real him now, instead of trying to go on with the relationship I had with Superman-Dad.  It's great getting to know him, it's nice to have a second chance at a relationship with him.  It's nice to be able to admit that he his a human being that makes mistakes like everyone else, and it's fine because he is human not Superman.  My stepmom was always the middle man between us, mostly because I didn't feel comfortable discussing anything with him and because she used to know how to handle him better than anyone else did.  I feel very grateful for everything that she had done, and I feel grateful that she was the glue that kept my dad and I together for a very long time, I will never forget that without her, this new relationship that I'm building with my dad wouldn't have been possible.  And the fact that I'm starting to have a real relationship with my dad now, would never change or effect the bond that I have with her.My parents would never win any awards for the centuries greatest parents, because they really sucked at one point in my life.  But that’s what makes them great.   The fact that they sucked and probably know they sucked at being my parents for a while.  I know my mom feels very guilty for a lot of things that she did wrong in my childhood, but shit happens, and they are both better parents and people now than they were.  I think the main thing is that they are humans now, not the snobbish people who never said or did anything wrong, my parents are people who both made mistakes in their lives, they still make mistakes and they aren't afraid to admit it, and because of their mistakes I have the opportunity to learn and become a better person.
Very few kids have a happy childhood. Whether you learn from the mistakes your parents made in your childhood or get stuck in your childhood is your choice.

Indecisiveness - LETS TRY AGAIN

Ok so I think by now I have quite a few blogs on different sites.  Every now and then I decide to blog, and each time I start a new blog, only to discover one of my old attempts somewhere in the process.

So now I have finally decided that this is going to be my blogging spot from now on.  I highly doubt that anyone would actually read the crap that I write here, but at least I get to rant about issues that bothers me & clear my mind at the same time.