FUNDAMENTALIST THINKING IN CHURCHES

In my last blog I mentioned that I emailed a church.  I'm not really sure if I actually expected a reply or not, still I was surprised when I did get a reply.

Here is how the email conversations went, the only edits in the messages is taking out the Church and the church elder's names, just for the churches privacy I will call the person who replied John, and the church will be referred to only as The Church

Good Day
I drive past posters of your church everyday. I would like to attend a service.
I am a lesbian and in a committed relationship with my partner. We both love God, but don't always feel welcome in church because of our sexual orientation. I used to go to a church in "a neighboring town" where all sexuality's were welcomed, but church times don't fit in with my partners working schedule so we are unable to attend.
Are you accepting of gays in your church? Will we be able to attend without prejudice?
Regards

The Reply:
Thank you so much for your email... 

We hold the conviction that Everyone is Welcome to attend our Celebrations. We believe that God placed "The Church" in "this Town" so that people can see & experience Jesus. 

We have a few people attending our Sunday Celebrations that practice homosexuality. We treat everyone the same. Even though we believe that Homosexuality is not God's will, we still see it as a privilege to host people and share the Gospel of Jesus with them... In the same way, people attend our Celebrations who have problems with addictions like alcohol, pornography or greed. We accept everyone into our Celebrations, but ask people to respect our family by not engaging in these activities in our building.
When it comes to formal partnership with people and them being prayed into partnership of "The Church" - We lovingly encourage everyone to turn their backs on their sin and focus on becoming like Christ. 

If you want to know more:
Go to our website and listen to a teaching I did on "God's Heart for Sexuality".

Thanks again
"John"
Lead Elder
"The Church" 

My Reply
Hi "John"

Thank you very much for the reply. 

I sincerely appreciate the fact that you host "practicing homosexuals". I believe that many gay people are in need of acceptance from churches. Many gay people are scared away from God and discard God because of prejudice that they have faced at churches, so it truly makes me happy to know that you have gays in your church and that they are welcome. 

What saddens me though is the fact that you draw a parallel between being gay and having an addiction. Being gay can't be compared to someone who is for instance addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, etc. It shows to me the typical fundamentalist thinking in a modern society. 

I believe being gay is written into our DNA it's who we are it is definitely not a lifestyle choice. If it were I would certainly have chosen the opposite, it would have spared me allot of therapy sessions and 1-000-000's of tears.

I haven't had a chance to listen to your mentioned teaching yet but as soon as I have a chance I will.

Feel free to also read my blog, the posts entitled "My Roman Battle" and the follow up "Conquering Romans", might just enlighten you.


http://pikkie89.blogspot.com/


Have a great day and lovely weekend.

We might see each other soon.

The reason I put the words "practicing homosexuals" in quotation marks is because I don't really understand exactly what is meant by it. If there is a thing like a practicing homosexual, then surely there must be something like a practicing heterosexuals as well?  In my mind the only logical explanation is something like this:

My mom is totally straight - NO doubt about the fact that she LOVES men.  Yet she has been single for a very long time.  Apart from the fact that she is full of crap when it comes to men, I think she's just used to being totally independent.   

My dad on the other hand, has been married to my stepmother for almost the same amount of time as my mom has been single.

Now I think we have established that both my parents are heterosexual... but does this mean that my mom isn't a practicing heterosexual? and if she isn't a practicing heterosexual what exactly is she then? Or does it just mean that my dad is more of a heterosexual than my mom, and does the fact that he has been married to a woman for all these years make him a practicing heterosexual?

......GEEEEEZ this is confusing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

It feels difficult to even type the words "practicing homosexual" because in my opinion it is ridiculous Your either Gay or Straight...

My first thought when I read John's reply was that I was truly happy that they accept gays in their church, as I read on there was the part about "not engaging in these activities in our building",   The first thing that crossed my mind was; If we decide to go to a Sunday service at this Church, how exactly will I be "not gay" for an hour or two?  I'ts easy to ask a drug addict not to take drugs in their building,   But being gay is who I am, its in my DNA - how can I be "not gay" in their building?  It's the same as asking me not to be white in their building.  And then I wondered how the other "practicing homosexuals" in their church did it?  And the following thought crossed my mind "how can these "practicing homosexuals" feel welcome in a place where they aren't allowed to be themselves? "

I tried to be as objective as I possibly could and later that evening I played the sermon "John" was talking about.  As it went on I could feel the tension building up from my partners side.  She didn't say anything but I knew she wished I would just shut it off because it came from a huge fundamentalist point of view.

The sermon started with "John" explaining that the sermon isn't about homosexuality but rather about Gods heart for sexuality.  In my mind a tactic not to scare of those "practicing homosexuals" straight away.  He went on to say that sex is designed to show intimacy to bind two people to become one and that sex is to glorify God.  He went on to talk about all kinds of sexual immoralities, bestiality, fornication, adultery and of-course homosexuality.  He also said that there is no difference between someone engaging in homosexuality and someone engaging in bestiality or adultery etc.  Now I seriously just need to say this - My girlfriend and I making love is not in any way the same as some guy putting is "thing" into an animal, nor is it the same as someone fooling around with a prostitute behind their partners back.  

When we make love we do become one, we share such a deep intimacy that it can't be explained.  It is such a beautiful moment and experience - I can not let it be made into something ugly by allowing it to be compared to bestiality, fornication, adultery or any of the other sexually immorality, because when a gay couple are truly committed to one another and they make love, there is nothing sexually immoral about it.

When he spoke about homosexuality he read the very same passage that I once used to condemn myself.  I honestly got a little smile on my face, because the verse he used to show that homosexuality is wrong, was also the first part of my homosexual salvation message that God revealed to me.  There was one problem though, he only read Romans 1:26-27 a very small part of a big passage, the same mistake I had made with the same passage.

And then he played a testimony of a guy who was under the impression that he was gay, but later realized that the only reason he thought he was gay was because of everything that happened in his childhood and with God's help he turned straight.  Now why would John choose to share this testimony with the congregation when the sermon wasn't about homosexuality?

If the guy who gave the testimony truly believes that he wasn't really gay to start with even though he lived a gay lifestyle, then I believe him and I am happy that God helped him find his way to be straight now.  But unfortunately that is not the case for me and millions of other gays out there.  Churches hear these kinds of testimonies and figure that all gays are the same, all gays can be fit into that box.  By using the same methods they do to get an addict to be sober, they try to push gays into a direction that would ultimately just make them unhappy and have them lying to themselves and to God about who they really are.  And I know these churches mean well by subtly trying to convert gays and praying away the gay, but they do it because they don't understand a gay persons mind and feelings, they don't understand that this is who we were born to be, God made us this way and God never makes mistakes.

By trying to do good these types of churches could do more harm than any good.  If I were still an uncertain gay teen trying to figure out how my sexuality and Christianity fit together, and I had heard that sermon and testimony, my whole world would have came tumbling down.  All of the questions would have arised again and I would have blamed God for helping the guy in the testimony be straight but leaving me to be gay - Which could have ultimately caused me to drift away from God and straight into the enemy's arms.  

So now I know that the "practicing homosexuals" attending this church, can't feel completely welcome and at ease, and even though John does not admit it, they are one of those typical fundamentalist-pray-away-the-gay-churches.  Except for openly gay churches, I'm starting to wonder if you get any other kind of church than the typical fundamentalist-pray-away-the-gay-churches.

My mom is a huge inspiration to me, we can talk for hours about life and and everything in it.  A while ago when my mom was visiting us we were up after midnight, being all philosophical, talking about God and life, and out of this conversation my mom said something interesting, she said that she believes that because God knows each one of us as an individual, he will judge us in that manner.  And that kind of got stuck in my mind, for a few days afterwards I found myself pondering over this Idea, because it just made so much sense.  And then one night I opened my bible at a random place and started reading, I was shocked!  I couldn't believe it, it was like God was confirming what my mom and I had talked about:

 ROMANS 9

14 What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? Certainly not!15 For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.”[f] 16 So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.”[g] 18 Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.

Once again Romans.  I Love Romans.  Out of all the bible books it's like God chose Romans to speak to me specifically.  God has answered me in many ways but it seems like when He chooses to speak to me through the Bible, He always uses Romans.  - God will have mercy on whomever he chooses, even if someone fails to meet the requirements of a "typical good Christian" in mans judgement, God has the last say.  So I think for my own sanity (and my girlfriend's for that matter) I will rather skip going to this Church, keep praying at home and singing along to the praise and worship music in my car.  I will keep living my life as I am loving God and believing that he accepts me, His lesbian child.  I do not need acceptance from a church who will clearly disprove of my lifestyle and the way I choose to serve God.

In the end all that matters is God and what He thinks of me and my lifestyle, because only His love and mercy can set me free.

PREDJUDICE AND PRECONCEPTIONS

This Post is not only about prejudice aimed towards me as a lesbian but also prejudice and preconceptions that I have.

"does your patents know" .... That's the kind of thing you ask someone when they are choosing to do something their parents would potentially disapprove of.

I recently started going to night classes in an attempt to get extra qualifications.  So I  have a new "class" friend who also happens to be gay.  The boy is young; only 19.  He seems like a sweet kid.  Last night I told him that I'll wait with him till his dad comes, so we sat in my car chatting for a while.  He told me about his ex and his friend etc.  And then I asked the question; ''does your parent's know that you're gay?"

It seems so unfair.  If I make a new straight friend one of the first questions that comes to mind isn't
Does your parent's know you're straight.  If I make a new black friend, there's no need to ask them if their family is ok with the fact that they are black.

We as gay people were also born this way, this is what is natural to us, this is who we are.  Yet people expect us to explain why we are gay.  "What happened in your life"? they ask,  "Why do you hate men";  I don't hate men, I just prefer not to have one in my bed.

I pass a sign everyday advertising a church that I think could be nice for my girlfriend and I to attend.  Because of the normal prejudice in churches I first emailed the church asking if a gay couple would be accepted at their church.  It saddens me that it is necessary for me to have to ask if my girlfriend and I would be welcome in The House Of The Lord.   

My partner and I are at a stage where we feel the need to go to church.  On the other hand I feel that leaders of churches and the congregation sometimes forget why they are there and use Sunday service as a gossiping party.  I am used to being open about my feelings towards my partner, and I am not up to the stares and whispers of church members that goes along with going to church, so I just stay away, pray at home and sing along to the praise and worship music in my car.  I am not ashamed of Loving God and I am not ashamed to openly show the world my relationship with Him is amazing.   I am also not ashamed of the fact that I'm gay and to me it is only natural to show affection towards my girlfriend all the time.  But for some reason being a PROUD LESBIAN FOLLOWER OF CHRIST just doesn't sit right with most other followers of Christ.

I will see if I get a reply on my email, I sincerely hope this church will prove my own prejudice about churches in general wrong.

Judy Carter (Actress, Motivational Speaker and Comedian) once said  

“It's a lot easier being black than gay. At least if you're black you don't have to tell your parents.”

We are people.  Being Gay is normal to us.  Deal with it.

A Very Sad Day

Today is a sad day for me... My heart aches.

By now I've realised that the best medicine is to just write about it and get it all out... So here goes...

If you've read some of my other journals or blogs you might know that our family consist out of my girlfriend and I and all of our cats and dogs.

During the night or early this morning one of my dogs died. His name was Coco. We aren't sure what happened. Coco would have turned 1 in November.

We saw that Coco wasn't himself this week and last night I decided that I would take both the dogs to the Vet this morning. Gucci, my oldest dog cries whenever you touch his ear, and Coco who is normally a huge energy ball who craves as much human attention as he can get was suddenly just lying in his doggy bed on the floor in our room or in the living room all alone.

If only I had taken them to the Vet yesterday.... They might have been able to save Coco's life... this morning we found him lying by the gate. I saw him through the window and ran outside to catch my girlfriend just before she drove out the gate to work... I couldn't go near him to see if he had really died... she had to be the strong one this time...

My heart is really breaking while I write this... I don't want another pet.. not soon. I just can't handle the heart ache of losing my pets anymore. We have lost three of our pets in three months.

I went on as planned and took Gucci to see the Doc this morning. He has severe ear infection and has to be sedated to clean out his ears. It was all so fast, I wasn't prepared to just leave him there for the day...not after Coco...
The Doctor showed me to the cages and I put him inside. When I was back in the waiting room I could here Gucci crying and my heart broke all over again. After 5 years you learn how to identify what your dog tries to say with a certain bark or cry. And that was a surprised/ scared bark/cry, as though he was yelling mom, where are you? How can you just leave me at this place. I'm counting the minutes till I can fetch him from the Vets office, there is exactly 52minutes left as I'm writing this.

Gucci has been with me for 5 years. He has seen me at my lowest and has always been there wagging his tale and just loving me, even in the very rough times where I pushed everyone away and was very hard to love.
I used to drive a Vuka scooter and Gucci would hop on between my legs and ride around town with me.
He even went clubbing with us, and he went to a lot of my University classes with me. for the past three years he has been going to work with me almost everyday. He is my best buddy, the smile on my face when I'm sad. The one buddy on this earth who will love me no matter what. He is my child, the one I tell my deepest secrets to. I know some people would say he is only a dog, but to me..... He is and angel with 4legs instead of wings.

Coco was Gucci's son. When I saw Coco for the first time I fell in love with him straight away. He looked so much like Gucci when he was a puppy, and I couldn't help to just take him home without a second thought... As he grew older he was very attached to humans, he hated being left alone, even with the other animals. He was very loving and playful, he loved to eat shoes, and basically everything that he could find.... hair brushes, toilet paper, or what ever was in his reach... I think that might have been what killed him... We tried our best to keep everything out of his reach and closed the doors to the rooms during the day when he and Gucci had to stay at home with their kitty siblings. But in the end I think he might have eaten something that bade him very sick.

I Know God has reasons for everything... I seriously do not know what the reason for this was, and even though my heart is breaking today I know Coco is in a better place. I know that I will see him again... someday.

So rest in peace Coco Pop....

We love you

Coco's body is not buried yet.  My girlfriend wrapped him up in a blanket this morning,  I don't know if I can bury him.  I don't know if I will be able to put him in a hole in the ground and leave him there...  At least I have the most amazing partner.  And I know she will be my crutch.

Here is one last shout out to all the other dogs in the world from my boy Coco, and a special shout out to His kitty siblings and his dad Gucci..... And of course to his two human moms...

Start of my Roman Battle | World Pulse

Start of my Roman Battle | World Pulse

Start of My Roman Battle

My coming out period was a miserable time, mostly because I condemned myself.  I was totally convinced that I was going to burn in hell for my disgusting unnatural behaviour.  I felt like God left my side, I had all these questions in my head, when I went to my bible for answers, all I found was even more condemnation - or so I thought at the time.   It took a long time for me to realise that God has bigger things to worry about than my sexual orientation.

It's hard for gay people in our society, The God that I serve & love is a fair God, a God of love, my God isn't a gay hating narrow minded human being like a lot of homophobic Christians make Him out to be. 

My girlfriend & I watched a sermon by Louie Giglio last week.  It was called "Indescribable". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNgJhuICrVA&feature=kp) It's truly awesome to realise how big God is and how small we are, to realise that he made us & he loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for us.  God gave His only Son to die for me, even though he knew I would be gay…

I don't like calling myself a Christian and I don't believe that the Bible is the Word of God.  I am a follower of God, His Son Jesus Christ & The Holy Spirit.  I believe that by using the so called Word of God as a shield & a weapon of manipulation, a lot of people who call themselves Christians have the ability to hurt others in such a way that they turn their backs on the whole concept of God.  I am not only talking about people using a few bible texts as an excuse to hate & hurt gays, but I am also talking about how people get scared away from God by the militaristic, hypocritical attitudes of so called Christians.  My own brother is an atheist today, I believe it is mostly because he went to a highly religious High School ran by a self proclaimed profit, where he experienced the hypocrisy & double lives of these so called Christian Ministers & their followers first hand.  His own words were "If that's how you have to live your live to be a Christian, then I want no part in it".

I love my Bible.  I  used to take it everywhere with me, you always get some kind of inspiration from it, just when you need it most.  But in the end, The Bible was written by men thanks to the inspiration that God gave them.  It is not the words of God that is written in The Bible, it’s the words of human beings, who was living in a total different time than we are living in now, there whole believe system was different than ours, so how can we still think that every word written in the bible is relevant to us today?  The Bible contradicts itself over & over. 

I believe that God talks to us through the Bible, but I don't believe that the bible is the Word of God.

In a very difficult time for me, my coming out stage, God spoke to me through the Bible. Out of my NKJV "Spirit - Filled life Student Bible"  I kept reading Romans 1:18-32, over & over trying to make sense of the whole gay thing.

God’s Wrath on Unrighteousness

18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality,[c] wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,[d]unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.

Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+1&version=NKJV>

I Cant tell you how many times I read this passage over & over.  I just couldn't make any sense of it.  Did my liking women now suddenly also mean that I hated God?  I didn't hate God, I love God.  In what way did I disobey God so badly that he felt it necessary to give me over to vile passions?  I repented I told God how deeply sorry I was for the evil things that I did, the evil things I didn't even know I had done.  Why wasn't he taking all these unnatural sexual feelings away now?? I said sorry! God where are you? Why don't You love me anymore, why God? Why won't you help me? Why won't you cure me!  God I said sorry for what ever it was that I had done that was so terrible that this is my punishment.  Please God! Please heal me.  Where are You God, I love You, why don't You love me anymore?  Why won't you cure me?

I was broken.  My depression worsened & I was sure that I would end up in hell for my vile passions, sexual immorality, wickedness & all the other adjectives in verse 28.  I was sure that God had finally left me.

I think I started seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel one weekend when I was visiting my mom.  I came to her room with my bible, in tears I showed her the passage that was tormenting me, I told her that it was inevitable, I'm going straight to hell & here was the proof.  At this stage in our lives, my mom was also still struggling to accept my whole gay thing, she couldn't even get herself to utter the words "gay" or "lesbian" she used to call us "funny people".  But in spite of that she started to get me thinking the right way about the passage that I was using to condemn myself. My mom didn't give me an answer, instead she only put more questions in my head, only this time it was the right questions.  She asked me If I was any of the bad things that was mentioned in verse 28, she asked me if anything from this passage was relevant to me or my attitude towards God, she asked me if any of these characteristics matched me.  When I said no she asked me, "Why then do you think this passage is so relevant to you".  I Can't remember what happened after that.  All I know is that God was starting to answer me, ironically His firs answer was in the form of my moms questions, even though I didn't realise it at the time.

CONQUERING ROMANS

We as humans often ask God for answers while going through rough situations in our lives.  We get so overwhelmed by our situation that we often forget to be still and listen to God's answers.  God's answers to our prayers come in many different forms.  He talks to us through the Bible, through other human beings, through something that we read on the internet or in a book, or that little voice in your head that tells you to go left instead of right; I believe that is The Holy Spirit talking to you guiding you as you walk through this dangerous place that we call life.  God talks to all of His children.  We must just learn how to listen.

During my coming out period I had a lot of questions for God & I got really upset with Him because I thought He never answered me.  But in actual fact He did answer me.  And now that I am in a place in my life where I know how to listen to God's voice I realise that His first answer was in the form of my mothers questions to me regarding Romans 1:18-32.  My mom got the wheels in my head turning.  I kept reading that same passage over and over, and as I read it more questions developed in my mind; why was Christians, people I respected using this passage against me, when this passage was not about me?  Who gave them the right to make me feel bad about something that I can not change?  Was I really still going to hell?

One day I read further than only page 1439 of my bible, I turned over the page and there on page 1440 was another answer, of course me being me expected God to appear in front of me saying "Listen we're cool, stop your whining! I still love you, you are not going to Hell!"  But that was not the way that God chose to speak to me.  Of course he could appear to me if He wanted to, He's God Almighty He does whatever He wants in which ever way he wants.  Therefore he answered me through my Bible.

On Page 1440 of my bible, I read the following

Romans 2

God’s Righteous Judgment

2 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. 3 And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God?

Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+2&version=NKJV>

So my mind started working overtime with more questions and thoughts about this whole gay thing and whether it is right or wrong.  The following was pretty much the crazy things that went through my mind and my prayers at that stage;

So people use Romans 1 to condemn & judge me, while in Romans 2 just one page on it sais that  it is inexcusable for anyone to judge me for only God can judge because His judgment is according to the truth.  God knows me, He knows that I love Him.  He knows that I am none of the things described in Romans 1.  Being gay doesn't mean I'm sexually Immoral, I don't sleep around, I'm not really sleeping with anyone for that matter.  I can think of a lot of straight people who fits a lot better in Romans 1 description than I do, does that mean they are secretly gay then & I'm actually straight because the description doesn't fit me?  But I am gay I know I'm gay, I can't change it I've tried, I've asked God to take it away and here I am, I still find girls a lot hotter than boys!

"Oh dear God please just help me! Tell me what to do! Please God! Please! You know me! You know I love You!  So ok people are not allowed to judge me only you will judge me, but what is Your judgment God?  Am I going to hell?  Is being gay really so bad that we all just need to die and go to Hell as soon as possible before we infect the righteous straight people?  Oh Please God I don't want to go to Hell, Please help me!?"

All that confusion and questions in my mind was really driving me crazy, I couldn't focus on anything else.  I was still convinced that I was going to burn in hell for my abnormal unnatural behaviour. 

Attempting to start my second year as a first year at University nothing in my mind had changed, I still believed that hell was where I would be spending eternity, therefore I didn't care about being good anymore I drifted away from God.  I was going to hell anyway, so I might as well enjoy this place while I can.  So I did everything, tried everything.  For one whole year of my life I was hardly ever sober.  I drank with my friends everyday, partied every night.  I tried out weed and CAT.  Luckily it just made me feel sick and crappy so I decided to leave the drugs to the people who enjoyed it.  I hurt people emotionally because deep down inside I was hurting so much that I really just didn't care about anyone at that stage. 

Needless to say, my second attempt at my first year subjects was once again an epic fail.  My dad realised that he was just wasting his money and refuse to pay for my third try.  My depression only worsened, I wasn't a student anymore, didn't really have a job, I was living off my mom & just didn't care about getting my life together.  Suicidal thoughts went through my head, after all I'm going to hell anyways so I might as well just die now and get it over with.

In my depressed state, trying to find a reason to keep living I picked up my dusty bible again one day, of course I went straight back to Romans I read 1:18-32 I went on to Romans 2 and read once again that only God can judge me.  The same questions and thoughts started going through my mind again.  I kept on reading through Romans but I was to blinded by my depression and rage about my messed up life to realise that He was busy answering all of my questions.  It was only much later after a lot more trials that I was able to see God's answers to my questions.  The fact is, God has never left my side, I was just so caught up in self pity that I stopped seeing Him next to me, and therefore I also didn't see His answers at that time.

How did God answer me?

On page 1453 of my bible is the answer that I have been looking for this whole time.  I read this passage before, but only after a lot of heartache realised that this was the answer that God wanted to Give me to my ultimate question; AM I GOING TO HELL FOR BEING GAY?

Romans 10

9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”[f] 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. 13 For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”[g]

Pasted from <http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+10&version=NKJV>

When I read this I realised that it doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight so long as I'm saved by my Lord Jesus.  And I am saved. 

I believe that in my case and the case of all gay people struggling with this issue, we can alter verse 12 just a little bit to make people realise that before God we are all the same it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, God will protect whoever calls upon Him.

"For there is no distinction between Straight and Gay, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him."

The bible is very contradicting.  In Romans 1 is the passage that I used to condemn myself, just like a lot of straight people use to condemn gays.   If  I had only turned over the pages in my bible seven times from the start, I would have spared myself a lot of torment.  But the fact is, I had to go through that torment first to be able to realise how great God is, to be able to realise that He was always next to me, I was the one who pushed Him away.  If God had revealed Romans 10 to me from the start I would probably never have realised the significance behind it.  I would have read over the true meaning that God wanted to display to me.  In His time, which is always the correct time, God revealed to me that it doesn't matter if I'm gay.  It doesn't matter if anyone is Gay, straight, black, pink, yellow or white for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him.  For whoever calls on the Name of The Lord Shall be saved.

Childhood Memories

The other day I tried to find my childhood house on Google maps.  I got very sad when I couldn't find it, I found my aunt's old house which was just a few blocks away from ours, but our house wasn't where I thought It used to be.  It felt so long ago, I started to ask myself, had I just made it all up? Did I make up the house and the maid who was my family, did I make up the fact that my family was happy once? Did I make up the fact that I was a happy child for a few short years? Did I make up the pets that I had while living in that house, did I make up the fact that my parents seemed to love each other once upon a time.  I felt hurt that this house seemed to be gone, the house with the big bush with purple flowers in the front yard.  The house where a happy family once lived has now just disappeared.  According to Google maps the street where our house used to be wasn't even in that specific town, how could that be? I followed the road, but even by doing that I couldn't seem to locate my childhood home.  After scrambling my brain for about twenty minutes I realized that I kept going in the wrong direction, now everybody who knows me would tell you that directions has never been one of my strong points.  Eventually I found my childhood home, but it had changed so much that I didn't even recognize it.  It used to be so big, but suddenly it was small, the lawn needed serious mowing and the big bush with the purple flowers was gone, I suddenly felt sorry for the little birds who used to built there nest by our front door, I wondered if the person who took out the bush also destroys the little birds nest every summer, my mother used to take such good care to make sure the nest was protected.Looking at the picture in front of me I took a walk down memory lane, I saw my dad working on his old yellow golf, my mom bringing him something to drink, I saw a happy little girl helping her daddy fix the car, the dad made the little girl think that she was a big help and that he couldn't do it without her, even though she was more in the way than any help. I walked through the house and found the little girls mommy busy sewing in a bright room with a lot of sun shining in through the curtains, while a little green budgie in a cage was singing a happy song.  I walked into another room, there was a double bed in the middle of the room a huge white teddy bear was sitting in one corner looking straight at me, almost everything in the room was pink.I went out the back door and saw a huge back yard, there was a big jumping castle and lots of kids sitting on the grass in front of the birthday girl who had a paper crown on her head while she was opening her birthday presents.  Suddenly a clown appeared out of no where making handstands and doing cartwheels and all sorts of other very impressive gymnastics tricks.  The little girl immediately knew that this was no ordinary clown.  She recognised his shoes, it could be no coincidence that the clown had the same shoes as her daddy.  Her mommy tried to convince her otherwise, but the little girl knew what she knew and she wasn't going to be convinced, after all she knew her daddy was superman, she knew that he could do all the tricks the clown just did and so much more, she knew he was saving his best gymnastics tricks to show her when all the kids went home.I looked up at the areal on the roof and remembered when I "helped" my dad fix it:  I saw the little girl nagging her daddy to let her climb on the roof with him, eventually he gave in and helped her onto his back, he climbed up the ladder with his little girl on his back, when he got to the top of the ladder he told her to climb over his head onto the roof.  She did as her daddy had instructed soon after her daddy was also on the roof,  he helped her up to the very top point of the roof, she sat watching as he fixed the areal.  The little girls mommy came running outside in a panic calling the little girls name, the mommy got very scared when she couldn't find the little girl anywhere, the daddy and the little girl started giggling at the mommy's hysteria, the daddy called the mommy and told her that he had found their little girl, when the mommy saw her little girl on top of the roof, she went into an even bigger hysteria, the daddy and the little girl still amused by the mommy's hysteria, started giggling again, like two naughty children.With tears in my eyes I entered the house again and walked into the kitchen, I saw the little girl sitting on the kitchen chair while her mommy was cooking, the sound of Barbara Ray's country voice coming out of the black radio on the kitchen table.  The mommy and her daughter were both laughing and joking. " I don't want to play house" started playing and both of them sang along, the little girl got most of the words to the song wrong, but she loved the song and wouldn't let that stop her from trying to sing louder than her mommy.  I thought to myself, If only the little girl knew that this song would become her reality not to far into the future.I decided to take one last walk through the house before I returned to reality.  I walked to the opposite side of the house and went into the little girls parents bedroom, I saw the mommy brushing the little girls hair into all kinds of styles, and putting make up on the little girls face, I saw them laughing and playing they both looked so happy, it didn't seem like anything could ever make them unhappy.My eyes filled with tears and I realized that this wasn't the rite place or time for me to open the tear taps, after all I was at work and what if my dad walked into my office, how on earth would I explain these tears to him.  So I walked out the front door of my childhood home, quietly I shut the door behind me, as I said good bye, vowing never to go back because even the good memories are to painful to relive. I returned to reality and went back to work, trying to forget the few childhood memories I could still remember.------------My parents never drank, they never swore, they were kind of perfect, obviously to perfect no one could seriously be that perfect, but they were.  I think that's why things didn't work out between them, when my dad got a chance to loosen up he grabbed it with both hands.  After he left my mom got a chance to unwind and find herself.  I didn't understand it at that time, I was obviously to small.I couldn't understand how my superman could just walk away.  I couldn't understand how my superman could hurt my mom and I so much.  How could he just leave me?  How could he just turn his back on me and go on with his life?  And my mom, how could she leave me alone at home at night while she went out clubbing?  They used to protect me, now they were the once I needed protection from!  I was all alone in this big world, I wasn't ready!  But I had to grow up so fast because both my parents became children over night.  They both started living again, only without each other and without me.I think both my parents needed to go through that time in their lives to become the people that they are now, my mom has really come a long way, she went back to being a teenager, a very troubled rebellious teenager, but If I have to say so myself, I raised that teenager well, because she turned out ok in the end, I think I realise now for the first time that I'll make it as a mother someday, heck I might even be a good one, I raised my mother, and I doubt that my kids would ever be as troubled and rebellious as she was.I never knew my dad in his second teenage phase.  Until very recently I still tried to fit my dad into his superman box but he didn't fit anymore, he wasn't the person that I remembered, he wasn't my dad anymore.  I was there every step of my moms transitioning so it never felt like I lost her or like she changed a lot.  Whereas with my dad, I knew him as Superman, and when we started to find each other again I realised that he had turned into Lex Luther.  That was extremely hard for me to accept, I had placed him on this golden pedestal for my whole life and now I see that he has more faults than most people.  I appreciate the opportunity to work at my dad's company more than he will ever know.  Not because of the money or perks, but because for the first time since he left, I actually have a relationship with him.  The biggest challenge was taking him down from the pedestal, because now I have a chance to get to know my dad (post second teen years).  I'm getting to know the real him now, I have a chance to actually built a relationship with the real him now, instead of trying to go on with the relationship I had with Superman-Dad.  It's great getting to know him, it's nice to have a second chance at a relationship with him.  It's nice to be able to admit that he his a human being that makes mistakes like everyone else, and it's fine because he is human not Superman.  My stepmom was always the middle man between us, mostly because I didn't feel comfortable discussing anything with him and because she used to know how to handle him better than anyone else did.  I feel very grateful for everything that she had done, and I feel grateful that she was the glue that kept my dad and I together for a very long time, I will never forget that without her, this new relationship that I'm building with my dad wouldn't have been possible.  And the fact that I'm starting to have a real relationship with my dad now, would never change or effect the bond that I have with her.My parents would never win any awards for the centuries greatest parents, because they really sucked at one point in my life.  But that’s what makes them great.   The fact that they sucked and probably know they sucked at being my parents for a while.  I know my mom feels very guilty for a lot of things that she did wrong in my childhood, but shit happens, and they are both better parents and people now than they were.  I think the main thing is that they are humans now, not the snobbish people who never said or did anything wrong, my parents are people who both made mistakes in their lives, they still make mistakes and they aren't afraid to admit it, and because of their mistakes I have the opportunity to learn and become a better person.
Very few kids have a happy childhood. Whether you learn from the mistakes your parents made in your childhood or get stuck in your childhood is your choice.

Indecisiveness - LETS TRY AGAIN

Ok so I think by now I have quite a few blogs on different sites.  Every now and then I decide to blog, and each time I start a new blog, only to discover one of my old attempts somewhere in the process.

So now I have finally decided that this is going to be my blogging spot from now on.  I highly doubt that anyone would actually read the crap that I write here, but at least I get to rant about issues that bothers me & clear my mind at the same time.