Saturday, 3 May 2014
Start of My Roman Battle
My coming out period
was a miserable time, mostly because I condemned myself. I was totally convinced that I was going to
burn in hell for my disgusting unnatural behaviour. I felt like God left my side, I had all these
questions in my head, when I went to my bible for answers, all I found was even
more condemnation - or so I thought at the time. It took a long time for me to realise that
God has bigger things to worry about than my sexual orientation.
It's hard for gay
people in our society, The God that I serve & love is a fair God, a God of
love, my God isn't a gay hating narrow minded human being like a lot of
homophobic Christians make Him out to be.
My girlfriend &
I watched a sermon by Louie Giglio last week.
It was called "Indescribable". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNgJhuICrVA&feature=kp)
It's truly awesome to realise how big God is and how small we are, to realise
that he made us & he loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for
us. God gave His only Son to die for me,
even though he knew I would be gay…
I don't like calling
myself a Christian and I don't believe that the Bible is the Word of God. I am a follower of God, His Son Jesus Christ
& The Holy Spirit. I believe that by
using the so called Word of God as a shield & a weapon of manipulation, a
lot of people who call themselves Christians have the ability to hurt others in
such a way that they turn their backs on the whole concept of God. I am not only talking about people using a
few bible texts as an excuse to hate & hurt gays, but I am also talking
about how people get scared away from God by the militaristic, hypocritical
attitudes of so called Christians. My
own brother is an atheist today, I believe it is mostly because he went to a
highly religious High School ran by a self proclaimed profit, where he
experienced the hypocrisy & double lives of these so called Christian
Ministers & their followers first hand.
His own words were "If that's how you have to live your live to be
a Christian, then I want no part in it".
I love my
Bible. I
used to take it everywhere with me, you always get some kind of
inspiration from it, just when you need it most. But in the end, The Bible was written by men
thanks to the inspiration that God gave them.
It is not the words of God that is written in The Bible, it’s the words
of human beings, who was living in a total different time than we are living in
now, there whole believe system was different than ours, so how can we still
think that every word written in the bible is relevant to us today? The Bible contradicts itself over & over.
I believe that God
talks to us through the Bible, but I don't believe that the bible is the Word
of God.
In a very difficult
time for me, my coming out stage, God spoke to me through the Bible. Out of my
NKJV "Spirit - Filled life Student Bible" I kept reading Romans 1:18-32, over &
over trying to make sense of the whole gay thing.
God’s Wrath on Unrighteousness
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against
all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in
unrighteousness, 19 because
what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world
His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are
made, even His
eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they
did not glorify Him as
God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish
hearts were darkened.22 Professing
to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image
made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping
things.
24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the
lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for
the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is
blessed forever. Amen.
26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For
even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the
natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men
committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their
error which was due.
28 And even as they did not
like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased
mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all
unrighteousness, sexual immorality,[c] wickedness,
covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit,
evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of
God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to
parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,[d]unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the
righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of
death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.
I Cant tell you how
many times I read this passage over & over.
I just couldn't make any sense of it.
Did my liking women now suddenly also mean that I hated God? I didn't hate God, I love God. In what way did I disobey God so badly that
he felt it necessary to give me over to vile passions? I repented I told God how deeply sorry I was
for the evil things that I did, the evil things I didn't even know I had
done. Why wasn't he taking all these
unnatural sexual feelings away now?? I said sorry! God where are you? Why don't
You love me anymore, why God? Why won't you help me? Why won't you cure
me! God I said sorry for what ever it
was that I had done that was so terrible that this is my punishment. Please God! Please heal me. Where are You God, I love You, why don't You
love me anymore? Why won't you cure me?
I was broken. My depression worsened & I was sure that
I would end up in hell for my vile passions, sexual immorality, wickedness
& all the other adjectives in verse 28.
I was sure that God had finally left me.
I think I started
seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel one weekend when I was visiting
my mom. I came to her room with my
bible, in tears I showed her the passage that was tormenting me, I told her
that it was inevitable, I'm going straight to hell & here was the
proof. At this stage in our lives, my
mom was also still struggling to accept my whole gay thing, she couldn't even
get herself to utter the words "gay" or "lesbian" she used
to call us "funny people". But
in spite of that she started to get me thinking the right way about the passage
that I was using to condemn myself. My mom didn't give me an answer, instead
she only put more questions in my head, only this time it was the right
questions. She asked me If I was any of
the bad things that was mentioned in verse 28, she asked me if anything from
this passage was relevant to me or my attitude towards God, she asked me if any
of these characteristics matched me.
When I said no she asked me, "Why then do you think this passage is
so relevant to you". I Can't
remember what happened after that. All I
know is that God was starting to answer me, ironically His firs answer was in
the form of my moms questions, even though I didn't realise it at the time.
CONQUERING ROMANS
During my coming out period I had a lot of questions for God & I got really upset with Him because I thought He never answered me. But in actual fact He did answer me. And now that I am in a place in my life where I know how to listen to God's voice I realise that His first answer was in the form of my mothers questions to me regarding Romans 1:18-32. My mom got the wheels in my head turning. I kept reading that same passage over and over, and as I read it more questions developed in my mind; why was Christians, people I respected using this passage against me, when this passage was not about me? Who gave them the right to make me feel bad about something that I can not change? Was I really still going to hell?
One day I read further than only page 1439 of my bible, I turned over the page and there on page 1440 was another answer, of course me being me expected God to appear in front of me saying "Listen we're cool, stop your whining! I still love you, you are not going to Hell!" But that was not the way that God chose to speak to me. Of course he could appear to me if He wanted to, He's God Almighty He does whatever He wants in which ever way he wants. Therefore he answered me through my Bible.
On Page 1440 of my bible, I read the following
Romans 2
God’s Righteous Judgment
2 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. 3 And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God?
So my mind started working overtime with more questions and thoughts about this whole gay thing and whether it is right or wrong. The following was pretty much the crazy things that went through my mind and my prayers at that stage;
So people use Romans 1 to condemn & judge me, while in Romans 2 just one page on it sais that it is inexcusable for anyone to judge me for only God can judge because His judgment is according to the truth. God knows me, He knows that I love Him. He knows that I am none of the things described in Romans 1. Being gay doesn't mean I'm sexually Immoral, I don't sleep around, I'm not really sleeping with anyone for that matter. I can think of a lot of straight people who fits a lot better in Romans 1 description than I do, does that mean they are secretly gay then & I'm actually straight because the description doesn't fit me? But I am gay I know I'm gay, I can't change it I've tried, I've asked God to take it away and here I am, I still find girls a lot hotter than boys!
"Oh dear God please just help me! Tell me what to do! Please God! Please! You know me! You know I love You! So ok people are not allowed to judge me only you will judge me, but what is Your judgment God? Am I going to hell? Is being gay really so bad that we all just need to die and go to Hell as soon as possible before we infect the righteous straight people? Oh Please God I don't want to go to Hell, Please help me!?"
All that confusion and questions in my mind was really driving me crazy, I couldn't focus on anything else. I was still convinced that I was going to burn in hell for my abnormal unnatural behaviour.
Attempting to start my second year as a first year at University nothing in my mind had changed, I still believed that hell was where I would be spending eternity, therefore I didn't care about being good anymore I drifted away from God. I was going to hell anyway, so I might as well enjoy this place while I can. So I did everything, tried everything. For one whole year of my life I was hardly ever sober. I drank with my friends everyday, partied every night. I tried out weed and CAT. Luckily it just made me feel sick and crappy so I decided to leave the drugs to the people who enjoyed it. I hurt people emotionally because deep down inside I was hurting so much that I really just didn't care about anyone at that stage.
Needless to say, my second attempt at my first year subjects was once again an epic fail. My dad realised that he was just wasting his money and refuse to pay for my third try. My depression only worsened, I wasn't a student anymore, didn't really have a job, I was living off my mom & just didn't care about getting my life together. Suicidal thoughts went through my head, after all I'm going to hell anyways so I might as well just die now and get it over with.
In my depressed state, trying to find a reason to keep living I picked up my dusty bible again one day, of course I went straight back to Romans I read 1:18-32 I went on to Romans 2 and read once again that only God can judge me. The same questions and thoughts started going through my mind again. I kept on reading through Romans but I was to blinded by my depression and rage about my messed up life to realise that He was busy answering all of my questions. It was only much later after a lot more trials that I was able to see God's answers to my questions. The fact is, God has never left my side, I was just so caught up in self pity that I stopped seeing Him next to me, and therefore I also didn't see His answers at that time.
How did God answer me?
On page 1453 of my bible is the answer that I have been looking for this whole time. I read this passage before, but only after a lot of heartache realised that this was the answer that God wanted to Give me to my ultimate question; AM I GOING TO HELL FOR BEING GAY?
Romans 10
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”[f] 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. 13 For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”[g]
When I read this I realised that it doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight so long as I'm saved by my Lord Jesus. And I am saved.
I believe that in my case and the case of all gay people struggling with this issue, we can alter verse 12 just a little bit to make people realise that before God we are all the same it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, God will protect whoever calls upon Him.
"For there is no distinction between Straight and Gay, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him."
The bible is very contradicting. In Romans 1 is the passage that I used to condemn myself, just like a lot of straight people use to condemn gays. If I had only turned over the pages in my bible seven times from the start, I would have spared myself a lot of torment. But the fact is, I had to go through that torment first to be able to realise how great God is, to be able to realise that He was always next to me, I was the one who pushed Him away. If God had revealed Romans 10 to me from the start I would probably never have realised the significance behind it. I would have read over the true meaning that God wanted to display to me. In His time, which is always the correct time, God revealed to me that it doesn't matter if I'm gay. It doesn't matter if anyone is Gay, straight, black, pink, yellow or white for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. For whoever calls on the Name of The Lord Shall be saved.
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