Saturday, 3 May 2014
Start of My Roman Battle
My coming out period
was a miserable time, mostly because I condemned myself. I was totally convinced that I was going to
burn in hell for my disgusting unnatural behaviour. I felt like God left my side, I had all these
questions in my head, when I went to my bible for answers, all I found was even
more condemnation - or so I thought at the time. It took a long time for me to realise that
God has bigger things to worry about than my sexual orientation.
It's hard for gay
people in our society, The God that I serve & love is a fair God, a God of
love, my God isn't a gay hating narrow minded human being like a lot of
homophobic Christians make Him out to be.
My girlfriend &
I watched a sermon by Louie Giglio last week.
It was called "Indescribable". (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNgJhuICrVA&feature=kp)
It's truly awesome to realise how big God is and how small we are, to realise
that he made us & he loves us so much that He gave His Son to die for
us. God gave His only Son to die for me,
even though he knew I would be gay…
I don't like calling
myself a Christian and I don't believe that the Bible is the Word of God. I am a follower of God, His Son Jesus Christ
& The Holy Spirit. I believe that by
using the so called Word of God as a shield & a weapon of manipulation, a
lot of people who call themselves Christians have the ability to hurt others in
such a way that they turn their backs on the whole concept of God. I am not only talking about people using a
few bible texts as an excuse to hate & hurt gays, but I am also talking
about how people get scared away from God by the militaristic, hypocritical
attitudes of so called Christians. My
own brother is an atheist today, I believe it is mostly because he went to a
highly religious High School ran by a self proclaimed profit, where he
experienced the hypocrisy & double lives of these so called Christian
Ministers & their followers first hand.
His own words were "If that's how you have to live your live to be
a Christian, then I want no part in it".
I love my
Bible. I
used to take it everywhere with me, you always get some kind of
inspiration from it, just when you need it most. But in the end, The Bible was written by men
thanks to the inspiration that God gave them.
It is not the words of God that is written in The Bible, it’s the words
of human beings, who was living in a total different time than we are living in
now, there whole believe system was different than ours, so how can we still
think that every word written in the bible is relevant to us today? The Bible contradicts itself over & over.
I believe that God
talks to us through the Bible, but I don't believe that the bible is the Word
of God.
In a very difficult
time for me, my coming out stage, God spoke to me through the Bible. Out of my
NKJV "Spirit - Filled life Student Bible" I kept reading Romans 1:18-32, over &
over trying to make sense of the whole gay thing.
God’s Wrath on Unrighteousness
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against
all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in
unrighteousness, 19 because
what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world
His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are
made, even His
eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they
did not glorify Him as
God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish
hearts were darkened.22 Professing
to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image
made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping
things.
24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the
lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for
the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is
blessed forever. Amen.
26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For
even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the
natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men
committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their
error which was due.
28 And even as they did not
like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased
mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all
unrighteousness, sexual immorality,[c] wickedness,
covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit,
evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of
God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to
parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,[d]unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the
righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of
death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.
I Cant tell you how
many times I read this passage over & over.
I just couldn't make any sense of it.
Did my liking women now suddenly also mean that I hated God? I didn't hate God, I love God. In what way did I disobey God so badly that
he felt it necessary to give me over to vile passions? I repented I told God how deeply sorry I was
for the evil things that I did, the evil things I didn't even know I had
done. Why wasn't he taking all these
unnatural sexual feelings away now?? I said sorry! God where are you? Why don't
You love me anymore, why God? Why won't you help me? Why won't you cure
me! God I said sorry for what ever it
was that I had done that was so terrible that this is my punishment. Please God! Please heal me. Where are You God, I love You, why don't You
love me anymore? Why won't you cure me?
I was broken. My depression worsened & I was sure that
I would end up in hell for my vile passions, sexual immorality, wickedness
& all the other adjectives in verse 28.
I was sure that God had finally left me.
I think I started
seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel one weekend when I was visiting
my mom. I came to her room with my
bible, in tears I showed her the passage that was tormenting me, I told her
that it was inevitable, I'm going straight to hell & here was the
proof. At this stage in our lives, my
mom was also still struggling to accept my whole gay thing, she couldn't even
get herself to utter the words "gay" or "lesbian" she used
to call us "funny people". But
in spite of that she started to get me thinking the right way about the passage
that I was using to condemn myself. My mom didn't give me an answer, instead
she only put more questions in my head, only this time it was the right
questions. She asked me If I was any of
the bad things that was mentioned in verse 28, she asked me if anything from
this passage was relevant to me or my attitude towards God, she asked me if any
of these characteristics matched me.
When I said no she asked me, "Why then do you think this passage is
so relevant to you". I Can't
remember what happened after that. All I
know is that God was starting to answer me, ironically His firs answer was in
the form of my moms questions, even though I didn't realise it at the time.
CONQUERING ROMANS
During my coming out period I had a lot of questions for God & I got really upset with Him because I thought He never answered me. But in actual fact He did answer me. And now that I am in a place in my life where I know how to listen to God's voice I realise that His first answer was in the form of my mothers questions to me regarding Romans 1:18-32. My mom got the wheels in my head turning. I kept reading that same passage over and over, and as I read it more questions developed in my mind; why was Christians, people I respected using this passage against me, when this passage was not about me? Who gave them the right to make me feel bad about something that I can not change? Was I really still going to hell?
One day I read further than only page 1439 of my bible, I turned over the page and there on page 1440 was another answer, of course me being me expected God to appear in front of me saying "Listen we're cool, stop your whining! I still love you, you are not going to Hell!" But that was not the way that God chose to speak to me. Of course he could appear to me if He wanted to, He's God Almighty He does whatever He wants in which ever way he wants. Therefore he answered me through my Bible.
On Page 1440 of my bible, I read the following
Romans 2
God’s Righteous Judgment
2 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. 3 And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God?
So my mind started working overtime with more questions and thoughts about this whole gay thing and whether it is right or wrong. The following was pretty much the crazy things that went through my mind and my prayers at that stage;
So people use Romans 1 to condemn & judge me, while in Romans 2 just one page on it sais that it is inexcusable for anyone to judge me for only God can judge because His judgment is according to the truth. God knows me, He knows that I love Him. He knows that I am none of the things described in Romans 1. Being gay doesn't mean I'm sexually Immoral, I don't sleep around, I'm not really sleeping with anyone for that matter. I can think of a lot of straight people who fits a lot better in Romans 1 description than I do, does that mean they are secretly gay then & I'm actually straight because the description doesn't fit me? But I am gay I know I'm gay, I can't change it I've tried, I've asked God to take it away and here I am, I still find girls a lot hotter than boys!
"Oh dear God please just help me! Tell me what to do! Please God! Please! You know me! You know I love You! So ok people are not allowed to judge me only you will judge me, but what is Your judgment God? Am I going to hell? Is being gay really so bad that we all just need to die and go to Hell as soon as possible before we infect the righteous straight people? Oh Please God I don't want to go to Hell, Please help me!?"
All that confusion and questions in my mind was really driving me crazy, I couldn't focus on anything else. I was still convinced that I was going to burn in hell for my abnormal unnatural behaviour.
Attempting to start my second year as a first year at University nothing in my mind had changed, I still believed that hell was where I would be spending eternity, therefore I didn't care about being good anymore I drifted away from God. I was going to hell anyway, so I might as well enjoy this place while I can. So I did everything, tried everything. For one whole year of my life I was hardly ever sober. I drank with my friends everyday, partied every night. I tried out weed and CAT. Luckily it just made me feel sick and crappy so I decided to leave the drugs to the people who enjoyed it. I hurt people emotionally because deep down inside I was hurting so much that I really just didn't care about anyone at that stage.
Needless to say, my second attempt at my first year subjects was once again an epic fail. My dad realised that he was just wasting his money and refuse to pay for my third try. My depression only worsened, I wasn't a student anymore, didn't really have a job, I was living off my mom & just didn't care about getting my life together. Suicidal thoughts went through my head, after all I'm going to hell anyways so I might as well just die now and get it over with.
In my depressed state, trying to find a reason to keep living I picked up my dusty bible again one day, of course I went straight back to Romans I read 1:18-32 I went on to Romans 2 and read once again that only God can judge me. The same questions and thoughts started going through my mind again. I kept on reading through Romans but I was to blinded by my depression and rage about my messed up life to realise that He was busy answering all of my questions. It was only much later after a lot more trials that I was able to see God's answers to my questions. The fact is, God has never left my side, I was just so caught up in self pity that I stopped seeing Him next to me, and therefore I also didn't see His answers at that time.
How did God answer me?
On page 1453 of my bible is the answer that I have been looking for this whole time. I read this passage before, but only after a lot of heartache realised that this was the answer that God wanted to Give me to my ultimate question; AM I GOING TO HELL FOR BEING GAY?
Romans 10
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11 For the Scripture says, “Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.”[f] 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. 13 For “whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.”[g]
When I read this I realised that it doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight so long as I'm saved by my Lord Jesus. And I am saved.
I believe that in my case and the case of all gay people struggling with this issue, we can alter verse 12 just a little bit to make people realise that before God we are all the same it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, God will protect whoever calls upon Him.
"For there is no distinction between Straight and Gay, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him."
The bible is very contradicting. In Romans 1 is the passage that I used to condemn myself, just like a lot of straight people use to condemn gays. If I had only turned over the pages in my bible seven times from the start, I would have spared myself a lot of torment. But the fact is, I had to go through that torment first to be able to realise how great God is, to be able to realise that He was always next to me, I was the one who pushed Him away. If God had revealed Romans 10 to me from the start I would probably never have realised the significance behind it. I would have read over the true meaning that God wanted to display to me. In His time, which is always the correct time, God revealed to me that it doesn't matter if I'm gay. It doesn't matter if anyone is Gay, straight, black, pink, yellow or white for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. For whoever calls on the Name of The Lord Shall be saved.
Wednesday, 23 April 2014
Childhood Memories
The other day I
tried to find my childhood house on Google maps. I got very sad when I couldn't find it, I
found my aunt's old house which was just a few blocks away from ours, but our
house wasn't where I thought It used to be.
It felt so long ago, I started to ask myself, had I just made it all up?
Did I make up the house and the maid who was my family, did I make up the fact
that my family was happy once? Did I make up the fact that I was a happy child
for a few short years? Did I make up the pets that I had while living in that
house, did I make up the fact that my parents seemed to love each other once
upon a time. I felt hurt that this house
seemed to be gone, the house with the big bush with purple flowers in the front
yard. The house where a happy family
once lived has now just disappeared.
According to Google maps the street where our house used to be wasn't
even in that specific town, how could that be? I followed the road, but even by
doing that I couldn't seem to locate my childhood home. After scrambling my brain for about twenty
minutes I realized that I kept going in the wrong direction, now everybody who
knows me would tell you that directions has never been one of my strong
points. Eventually I found my childhood
home, but it had changed so much that I didn't even recognize it. It used to be so big, but suddenly it was
small, the lawn needed serious mowing and the big bush with the purple flowers
was gone, I suddenly felt sorry for the little birds who used to built there
nest by our front door, I wondered if the person who took out the bush also
destroys the little birds nest every summer, my mother used to take such good
care to make sure the nest was protected.Looking at the
picture in front of me I took a walk down memory lane, I saw my dad working on
his old yellow golf, my mom bringing him something to drink, I saw a happy
little girl helping her daddy fix the car, the dad made the little girl think
that she was a big help and that he couldn't do it without her, even though she
was more in the way than any help. I walked through the house and found the
little girls mommy busy sewing in a bright room with a lot of sun shining in
through the curtains, while a little green budgie in a cage was singing a happy
song. I walked into another room, there
was a double bed in the middle of the room a huge white teddy bear was sitting
in one corner looking straight at me, almost everything in the room was pink.I went out the back
door and saw a huge back yard, there was a big jumping castle and lots of kids
sitting on the grass in front of the birthday girl who had a paper crown on her
head while she was opening her birthday presents. Suddenly a clown appeared out of no where
making handstands and doing cartwheels and all sorts of other very impressive
gymnastics tricks. The little girl
immediately knew that this was no ordinary clown. She recognised his shoes, it could be no
coincidence that the clown had the same shoes as her daddy. Her mommy tried to convince her otherwise, but
the little girl knew what she knew and she wasn't going to be convinced, after
all she knew her daddy was superman, she knew that he could do all the tricks
the clown just did and so much more, she knew he was saving his best gymnastics
tricks to show her when all the kids went home.I looked up at the
areal on the roof and remembered when I "helped" my dad fix it: I saw the little girl nagging her daddy to
let her climb on the roof with him, eventually he gave in and helped her onto his
back, he climbed up the ladder with his little girl on his back, when he got to
the top of the ladder he told her to climb over his head onto the roof. She did as her daddy had instructed soon
after her daddy was also on the roof, he
helped her up to the very top point of the roof, she sat watching as he fixed
the areal. The little girls mommy came
running outside in a panic calling the little girls name, the mommy got very
scared when she couldn't find the little girl anywhere, the daddy and the
little girl started giggling at the mommy's hysteria, the daddy called the
mommy and told her that he had found their little girl, when the mommy saw her
little girl on top of the roof, she went into an even bigger hysteria, the
daddy and the little girl still amused by the mommy's hysteria, started
giggling again, like two naughty children.With tears in my
eyes I entered the house again and walked into the kitchen, I saw the little
girl sitting on the kitchen chair while her mommy was cooking, the sound of
Barbara Ray's country voice coming out of the black radio on the kitchen table. The mommy and her daughter were both laughing
and joking. " I don't want to play house" started playing and both of
them sang along, the little girl got most of the words to the song wrong, but
she loved the song and wouldn't let that stop her from trying to sing louder
than her mommy. I thought to myself, If
only the little girl knew that this song would become her reality not to far
into the future.I decided to take
one last walk through the house before I returned to reality. I walked to the opposite side of the house
and went into the little girls parents bedroom, I saw the mommy brushing the
little girls hair into all kinds of styles, and putting make up on the little
girls face, I saw them laughing and playing they both looked so happy, it
didn't seem like anything could ever make them unhappy.My eyes filled with
tears and I realized that this wasn't the rite place or time for me to open the
tear taps, after all I was at work and what if my dad walked into my office,
how on earth would I explain these tears to him. So I walked out the front door of my
childhood home, quietly I shut the door behind me, as I said good bye, vowing
never to go back because even the good memories are to painful to relive. I
returned to reality and went back to work, trying to forget the few childhood
memories I could still remember.------------My parents never
drank, they never swore, they were kind of perfect, obviously to perfect no one
could seriously be that perfect, but they were.
I think that's why things didn't work out between them, when my dad got
a chance to loosen up he grabbed it with both hands. After he left my mom got a chance to unwind
and find herself. I didn't understand it
at that time, I was obviously to small.I couldn't
understand how my superman could just walk away. I couldn't understand how my superman could
hurt my mom and I so much. How could he
just leave me? How could he just turn
his back on me and go on with his life?
And my mom, how could she leave me alone at home at night while she went
out clubbing? They used to protect me,
now they were the once I needed protection from! I was all alone in this big world, I wasn't
ready! But I had to grow up so fast
because both my parents became children over night. They both started living again, only without
each other and without me.I think both my
parents needed to go through that time in their lives to become the people that
they are now, my mom has really come a long way, she went back to being a
teenager, a very troubled rebellious teenager, but If I have to say so myself,
I raised that teenager well, because she turned out ok in the end, I think I
realise now for the first time that I'll make it as a mother someday, heck I
might even be a good one, I raised my mother, and I doubt that my kids would
ever be as troubled and rebellious as she was.I never knew my dad
in his second teenage phase. Until very
recently I still tried to fit my dad into his superman box but he didn't fit
anymore, he wasn't the person that I remembered, he wasn't my dad anymore. I was there every step of my moms
transitioning so it never felt like I lost her or like she changed a lot. Whereas with my dad, I knew him as Superman,
and when we started to find each other again I realised that he had turned into
Lex Luther. That was extremely hard for
me to accept, I had placed him on this golden pedestal for my whole life and
now I see that he has more faults than most people. I appreciate the opportunity to work at my
dad's company more than he will ever know.
Not because of the money or perks, but because for the first time since
he left, I actually have a relationship with him. The biggest challenge was taking him down
from the pedestal, because now I have a chance to get to know my dad (post
second teen years). I'm getting to know
the real him now, I have a chance to actually built a relationship with the
real him now, instead of trying to go on with the relationship I had with
Superman-Dad. It's great getting to know
him, it's nice to have a second chance at a relationship with him. It's nice to be able to admit that he his a
human being that makes mistakes like everyone else, and it's fine because he is
human not Superman. My stepmom was
always the middle man between us, mostly because I didn't feel comfortable
discussing anything with him and because she used to know how to handle him
better than anyone else did. I feel very
grateful for everything that she had done, and I feel grateful that she was the
glue that kept my dad and I together for a very long time, I will never forget
that without her, this new relationship that I'm building with my dad wouldn't
have been possible. And the fact that
I'm starting to have a real relationship with my dad now, would never change or
effect the bond that I have with her.My parents would
never win any awards for the centuries greatest parents, because they really
sucked at one point in my life. But
that’s what makes them great. The fact
that they sucked and probably know they sucked at being my parents for a
while. I know my mom feels very guilty
for a lot of things that she did wrong in my childhood, but shit happens, and
they are both better parents and people now than they were. I think the main thing is that they are
humans now, not the snobbish people who never said or did anything wrong, my
parents are people who both made mistakes in their lives, they still make
mistakes and they aren't afraid to admit it, and because of their mistakes I
have the opportunity to learn and become a better person.
Very few kids have a happy childhood. Whether you learn from the mistakes your parents made in your childhood or get stuck in your childhood is your choice.
Very few kids have a happy childhood. Whether you learn from the mistakes your parents made in your childhood or get stuck in your childhood is your choice.
Indecisiveness - LETS TRY AGAIN
Ok so I think by now I have quite a few blogs on different sites. Every now and then I decide to blog, and each time I start a new blog, only to discover one of my old attempts somewhere in the process.
So now I have finally decided that this is going to be my blogging spot from now on. I highly doubt that anyone would actually read the crap that I write here, but at least I get to rant about issues that bothers me & clear my mind at the same time.
So now I have finally decided that this is going to be my blogging spot from now on. I highly doubt that anyone would actually read the crap that I write here, but at least I get to rant about issues that bothers me & clear my mind at the same time.
THE ANNOYING KID
Since I can remember I've always wanted a brother. I really don’t know why. I grew up as an only child. I was a “OOPS!!” baby, I think if it wasn't for the “OOPS!!” factor my mom would never even have had a child, so it should be clear that after me my mom didn't want another kid. So our family consisted out of my mom, my dad and obviously me, for a little while anyways. No matter how much I nagged, they would never take me to the little sibling shop to pick out a new baby brother.
Then they split up (not going into details about that today). I was about 9 or 10 when I met my step mom. And then I met her annoying little son, he is four years younger than me, and he annoyed the living shit out of me, I didn't like him much, I liked him because I had to I guess, mostly because at that stage I was a normal 10year old girl and he was a normal 6year old boy, you get the picture? Luckily I only had to see him on holidays when I visited my dad, or on the weekends they actually got me to say yes I would go. So we basically tried to annoy each other as much as possible, we teased each other and hid each other’s stuff, we fought about who gets the best couch, we fought about who gets to drive in the front seat of the car, we pretty much just fought about everything.
At this age I can remember praying that God would send me a baby brother. You know how you always had to make stupid sentences when you were in school; mine usually had something to do with the imaginary baby brother I kept asking God for.
As we got older the annoying kid and I started getting along, we started doing fun stuff together when I visited, we even shared the good couch. I still remember how we would sit in front of the TV with popcorn snuggled up under a blanket on the good couch, we actually started sharing. We still had the occasional fight about the front seat of the car, but I usually won because I was the girl and older, the other times we shared that to, I drive in the front seat to the destination and he drives in front back home. I actually started liking this once annoying kid. We stayed up late playing computer games and watching movies in his room, and somewhere during the night we would fall asleep on his bed one by one. We smoked around the corner of the house and hoped no one would catch us. I started covering his ass when he got into shit and well he did the same for me. We started sharing secretes, hopes and dreams we “hated” my dad and his mom together when they gave him a hiding and liked them when they were nice.
Soon I stopped calling him the annoying kid and started calling him my stepbrother. Well that is after all what he is. I didn't visit my dad’s house that often for a while because I went to University and on weekends and holidays when everyone went home, I also went home, to my mom’s house. So for a few years we didn't see each other that much and when we did we were in a different stage in our life’s each time, luckily we were both in the "wearing black" and "heavy metal" stage at the same time, I think mainly because we had both been seriously depressed for most of our life’s. Even though we were both changed each time we saw each other, there was always some kind of common ground, we never fought or annoyed each other anymore, but always enjoyed each other’s company, sitting around the house doing nothing together.
I stopped calling him my stepbrother. The fact is he is not my stepbrother. Just typing those words makes me feel weird. I asked God for a baby brother, and God gave me a 6year old brother. I just never realized it. I never realized that brothers and sisters annoy each other, tease each other, like each other and later on realize they love each other. Fact is the annoying kid turned into someone I started liking, not because I had to, but because I actually do, then he turned into my stepbrother, and then I realized I actually love this kid, not because he is my stepbrother, but because he is my brother! The brother I always asked God for, he is the brother that I've always wanted, and always had even though I never realized it.
I remember a while ago someone told me to stop calling him my brother because he isn't, he is only my stepbrother, and I remember telling them that it doesn't mean because we don't have the same blood running through our veins that we aren't brother and sister. You don't need blood. We have something better. We have a bond. And besides the bond that we share we also share a little sister, a little sister who isn't our half-sister because my dad is her dad and his mom is her mom, she is just our sister nothing in front of sister. The reason we always had some type of common ground is because we are brother and sister with a bond that no one would ever understand, not even us.
For the first time in both our lives we actually both live in my dad-his mom our parents’ house, well more like on the same property, I live in the flat and he lives in the house, and for the first time, we see each other every day, and it’s nice. The other night he slept over at a friend’s house, and I actually missed him. I missed the, sometimes 10minute that turns into hours at other times, smoke break that we have every night.
So I dedicate this blog to my messed up dual personality, highly intelligent, always in shit, skinny ass little brother, who up until two years ago was shorter than me, but with a bang outgrew me and now I have to look up at him. I love you!!! Never expect a birthday present from me and remember I'll always have the weight advantage so watch your back!!!!!!
(This post was originally posted in 2012)
(This post was originally posted in 2012)
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